


Selfocracy (We're gonna break what held us back)

by Valkrist (Anouk_Tyrell)



Series: So leave me my remedy, my melodies (drabble collections) [1]
Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Drabble Collection, Eventual Sex, Fluff, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Season/Series 05, at least I think so, basically drabbles based on songs cause I love this album it‘s amazing, in the end there‘ll be more tags than drabbles haha, songfic in a way I think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:15:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 1,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24371899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anouk_Tyrell/pseuds/Valkrist
Summary: Many are those among us who lose themselves in mirrorsToo many who only live for appearancesAware that he is not the fairest of all, man is jealous and evilAnd aware that he is not the ugliest of all, man is boastful and arrogant- Selfocracy by Loïc Nottet -
Relationships: Tommy Shelby/Alfie Solomons
Series: So leave me my remedy, my melodies (drabble collections) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1803871
Comments: 16
Kudos: 15





	1. Selfocracy

**Author's Note:**

> Some drabbles inspired by the more than just wonderful album "Selfocracy" by Loïc Nottet. Seriously, this music is just amazing and belongs to my all time favorites! <3
> 
> As every program I know seems to count words differently, it may be that AO3 says there are more or less than 100 words. I‘ll just stick to my writing program, I suppose - so yeah, that‘s my life :)
> 
> I think at least some drabbles might be post-season 5, just so you know. Don‘t wanna spoil you by accident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Track 1: Selfocracy
> 
> The mirrors distort us, they hatch outsized egos inside us  
> Selfish. Self-centered  
> This is what they are reflecting from mankind

It was all about appearance. Sheer luxury - tailored suits, beautiful dresses. It would be terribly easy to get lost in it. But Tommy needed a certain perfection to succeed. Something all those wealthy people around him had. It made him untouchable. It gave him the power he had been looking for.

He didn’t want to become self-centered. There were too many people depending on him, to many lives he had to save. Too many things worth living for.

Lizzie, Charlie and Ruby - his loved ones.

The other Shelbys - they went through many things.

And maybe, maybe even Alfie Solomons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, it‘s so hard to tell a story in 100 words. Probably it‘s this so-called efficiency my former maths teacher always loved to talk about? I dunno, as I often failed at this point (marvelously). But yeah, it‘s still a good exercise, innit?
> 
> I simply hope you like it nevertheless <3 stay tuned for more! What do you think about drabbles?


	2. Mud Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Track 2: Mud Blood
> 
> So in our veins, it runs mud blood  
> We take all kinds of drugs  
> It's our way to pretend  
> That we enjoy the life we've got

Every night, it was either insomnia or a nightmare.

Tommy didn’t want to lose his position. His crown. His life. He had overestimated himself, such a fool. The game he had chosen was a dangerous one do play.

Opium, cocaine, cigarettes, sex. Beautiful ways to forget about all the bad things happening, at least for some hours.

Alfie had seen through him and still, he was there. He knew who Tommy was. Didn’t give up on him. Let him stay in Margate. Had him eat properly. Softly put his arms around him. Kissed the nightmares away. Made him feel nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of my fav tracks <3


	3. Team8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Track 3: Team8
> 
> We're part of team eight  
> Those deadly sins we try to break  
> We're crushed by the weight  
> Of the sinner chains we make

He was a sinner. A liar. A very bad man.

Drinking too much. Killing people. A kind of occupational disease, so to speak. Gangs, wars, truces…

Other people would have prayed do God. Prayed for forgiveness. But Tommy wasn’t one of them. He believed in power, strategy. The undeniable things.

And maybe it was alright, as long as he could have people who made him feel nice round. As long as he could make up for it by loving his family. As long as he could listen to Alfie speaking up and reminding him of the things that truly mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This show is simply beautiful to explain how we can love characters even if they're sinners, nothing more to say <3


	4. Dirty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Track 4: Dirty
> 
> The playground kids are all the same  
> They stick together for the game  
> As they grow up the friendships change  
> Insulting starts, it’s the teen age

Childhood had passed.

All the truces, the peace, they were all gone. Tommy’s family was the only thing left he could still rely on.

He could still remember the coconut and top hat. He had wanted to show them all what they truly deserved. Maybe he never had had a childhood at all, having to understand the world way too early. Seeing the people, the power of money.

He could still feel this little scar on his cheek. The one Alfie loved to caress with his lips. The one that, as he said, would always show his true inner strength.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you notice that often it are this small details that make characters so relatable and kinda nice? It‘s a whole art, damn xd


	5. Million Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Track 5: Million Eyes
> 
> Yes with your million eyes you're watching me  
> You talk behind my back  
> You spy on me

Westminster was full of lies.

Tommy was sick of it. It was real espionage. Spying on each other, noticing every mistake. During every speech they all looked at him. Probably thought how to bring him down.

He didn’t need to look in their faces to know that they all judged him sooner or later. Maybe it was even worse than those moments with Alfie when the latter let him feel his disappointment, saying it all out loud.

But at least they could sit next to each other, lovingly holding their hands and trying to be the best versions of themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again one of my favorite songs from this album <3  
> I think it‘s one many of us can relate to, what do you think?


	6. Whisperers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Track 6: Whisperers
> 
> People fear death  
> It comes, it takes  
> The ones we love  
> With no regrets

Death had taken to many people, but Tommy wasn’t afraid anymore. Not in the way he probably should be.

His mother, Grace, John, they were all gone.

He had nearly lost Alfie. One bullet. A miracle. A lack of concentration. He never wanted to feel it again. Even though every second felt like a bonus, he didn’t want this pain. Every second could be his last one. How long would he be saved?

Some people loved to say that the good dIe young - and maybe they were right. Maybe Tommy wasn’t a good man at all, but he could try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics are still to impressing. Not even that long, but I think they describe it all in an amazing way - and match Peaky Blinders way too well, actually.
> 
> How much can you relate to such feelings? Do you think they're kinda abstract or can you relate?


	7. Poison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Track 7: Poison
> 
> You'll never succeed at anything  
> It's not good enough  
> I need perfection  
> How can you achieve  
> The things you believe?

He had found the man he couldn’t defeat. He had become a failure. Had wanted it all to end, listening to Grace.

Tommy still couldn’t say what had kept him from shooting himself in the end. Hope? Duties? But whatever it was, it had kept him alive.

This night, he went to Margate. Didn’t need to cry for Alfie to understand what had happened. They just sat there next to each other, Alfie’s hand stroking his back.

It felt good when Alfie kissed him back. He made the bitter taste of sadness after the foiled plan in his mouth disappear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Such a powerful song, that‘s the inspiration I've been looking for <3
> 
> Drabbles simply force you to focus on the most important things, it‘s kinda fascinating. Like I‘m still getting used to it, but there is something about it I like :)


	8. Cure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Track 8: Cure
> 
> Can you show me a little mercy?  
> I know I'm young, I'm still growing up  
> Messing up in life is human  
> So why break down my walls

His plans, his fault. He was responsible vor all those things Polly could yell at him for.

A sad truth Tommy had realized a long time ago. He still had to learn so many things. To figure out how to deal with some people.

If he only knew that Alfie felt the same. Finding peace in Margate didn’t mean getting rid of all worries. Alfie was longing for Tommy’s visits and touches. It was something he could hold on to. This was the remedy. He didn’t know how he deserved this beautiful man sitting on his lap, clinging to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My brain be like: You need peace? Mention Margate :D


	9. Wolves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Track 9: Wolves
> 
> Run, run, run, far from me  
> I feel your hunger  
> I'm trying, trying, trying  
> To keep you away but I  
> This feeling's stronger

It had all begun like a game of hide-and-seek, but now it was so much more. They always found each other. It didn’t even feel like a loss of power.

This night they fucked. Tommy couldn’t hide anymore. Not his skin, not his soul. There they were, lying next to each other.

“What would I do without you?“ - “Alfie…“ - “I mean it.“

He didn’t deserve those confessions. To intimate. To good to be true.

Why was he blessed with gorgeous children, an understanding wife and such a loving _friend_ again? Too much reward for the sinner he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The vocals are amazing <3  
> And already chapter 9 omg


	10. Hungry Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Track 10: Hungry Heart
> 
> I had to run away from this hungry heart  
> Cause if I chose to stay I'd be torn apart  
> I took a different way to write my new start

When Tommy looked in the mirror, he saw a man. A man who had brought danger to his family. One who could never be good enough, no matter how hard he tried.

When Alfie looked at Tommy, he saw a protector. One who tried real hard, gave his best. A man worth admiring.

He put an arm around Tommy’s waist. Pulled him closer. A tender kiss on his neck. He was ready to leave the past behind.

Tommy felt Alfie’s hand travel further down. The fingers wrapping around him. A moan escaped Tommy‘s lips. _You are good enough_ , Alfie whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the beginning I didn't even realize how deep those lyrics are. But then, after listening to the song often enough ... it‘s this revelation, in a way, you know what I mean?  
> And I‘m still amazed at the power 100 words can have. I mean, 100 words ... my greatest respect to all drabble writers out there!


	11. Peculiar and Beautiful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Track 11: Peculiar and Beautiful
> 
> How sad.  
> Because in the end, it is the mere fact of being us, that makes us peculiar and beautiful.  
> But man is afraid…  
> He is scared by his differences.  
> Scared of what others might say.

The fine suit, the glasses - just an image. Things to convince others and oneself.

Alfie had accepted him the way he was. He didn’t need lies anymore. He couldn’t help himself crying, bursting into tears of joy.

Tommy could still feel Alfie playing with his hair. Slowly massaging his scalp.

Their noses touched. _You’re a brave man, Tommy_ , he murmured while peppering kisses all over his face, _you don’t have to hate yourself._

And maybe those words really helped. Maybe it truly made him feel better as he had to put his mask back on. It’s the soul that matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, I grow attached to those guys more and more, haha <3  
> And I needed this tenderness, that‘s basically it :)


	12. Mirror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Track 12: Mirror
> 
> Time has come to show the others  
> That we won't be pushed down further  
> Hope gave us strength not to surrender  
> We're gonna break that glass, break that glass

They would make it - together. Accept their flaws. Face their fears. Dare to wipe the slate clean.

_You can do this, Tommy._ He could still hear the words Alfie had whispered in his ear. Feel the hands on his skin. The legs around his waist, as he pushed in, again and again. _I’ll never give up on you_ , he whispered, and Tommy could only answer the same.

Maybe one day he would actually fight his demons. At least he was always welcome in Margate, as Alfie had reassured him. He had something to look forward to. Something worth living for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg already the last part of this drabble collection - and what is better than this song as a kind of grand (or not so grand, only 100 words, haha) finale?   
> Thanks for being part of this journey <3  
> I‘m actually quite sure that one day I‘ll find another cool album and write some more drabbles cause damn, it‘s been so much fun :)

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me as @valkrist on Tumblr :)


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